The Battle to Love

E's house, she has one 10x12 room she shares with her 2 year old

I've been meeting with E almost every week to do Bible stories.  There have been some great conversations and lots of difficult things she has revealed about her life and past.  I like her, and I like talking with her.  But, I never can decide if she just meets with me because she is lonely or because I am white or for some other unknown reason.  It feels complicated.  Today I showed up to her little house.  I could hear the sound of her 2 year old screaming when I was still quite a ways away and the closer I got the more intense the smell of fresh vomit became.  I wanted to run.  I clapped my hands to "knock" and let her know I was there.  She quickly wrapped a pagne around her, grabbed the screaming baby and announced that her daughter was sick.  I watched her take water into a pitcher and pour it over the screaming baby's head and trying to think how I could keep from having to go and do a Bible story in the small vomit filled room.  I explained that I could come back another day, but she insisted I stay.  I'm convinced she is lonely more than anything else.  I stayed.  I watched her sweep the vomit off the floor with her African broom and then pour some water over it to rinse it off.  Then, she pointed and offered me a place to sit.  I smiled and told her I wanted to start with a prayer for her child.  And yet, I wanted nothing more than to run away from what seemed so gross and so disgusting and so NOT where I wanted to be.  

Today she was more engaged in our study, had more questions, and said at the end, "today's story was very interesting."  My heart ached as I long to love her and her need for Jesus - more than my comfort.  I cried a little as I walked to the Hope Radio site to find Andy when I was done- mostly because I just thought of how Jesus loved and stood with the filthiness of humans in all our mess.  It is a battle to love, a battle to choose others over myself.  It's a battle that only God can win within me because if I've learned anything here it is that I am not strong.  I am weak, and I need my God that loves me and wraps His heart around me to help me love others, too. 

920 Days

In the big scheme of things, this is far from important.  But it causes me frustration, and when I think of bigger things, my frustration gives way to guilt.  There are big things going on in the world right now, and this isn't one of them.  But, it feels big in my heart.

In front of the new house just before the contract was final

We are so ready to move in our house, our very own place (that we will still be renting) where we use our own stuff, our own dishes, our own towels, all those wedding gifts we got more than 11 years ago that bring smiles and happy memories.  I am ready for that, for my very own space.  And, honestly we can.   We finalized the contract July 11th - 2 days before Andy's episode in Lome.  We were in Lome to buy stuff for the house, thrilled to be getting electrical wires and ceiling fans, and all that.  The major work has been done now, and we have moved in most of our stuff...and it's that beautiful mix of being home and seeing all the boxes piled up around you screaming for you to get busy.

but...

the power is super unstable - more in the last few weeks because they took the generator that runs our town away and we have power that was routed from Ghana, north of us, and then back down.  It goes off frequently and you never really know how long it will be gone - a few minutes, a few hours, a day or two.  It is of course, Africa - so, who would have expected any different.  We are usually fine without power during the day, there is sunshine and shade.  But, we don't sleep well with 4 littles in the house when the power is off.  No fans = no sleep, no fun.  Because of this, we really want to have our personal generator set up at our new house before we move there.  The electricity was re-wired and the generator was part of the whole planning.  We even built a little shelter area for it outside the house.  Andy and the electrician tried it a couple of days ago and something isn't working with the set up.  Today when I was at the new house, I was frustrated to grab some water I had put in the fridge only to realize it wasn't really very cold.  The freezer didn't seem to be working well either.  No matter if this is an electrical problem or an appliance problem, it's frustrating.  And, a bit discouraging.

Andy & Yaya working on the generator with the new house

We are so blessed to have our current house available until the end of this year, so I am thankful for that...but, oh, how I would love to finally be in my home.

It's been 920 days since we left our own house.  In the between time we have been grateful and blessed for what we have had.  God has indeed provided and will continue to do so.

You are working in our waiting

You're sanctifying us

When beyond our understanding

You're teaching us to trust

MW Smith - Sovereign Over Us

In Everything...

"In everything give thanks."  The distinguishing word here is "in", which should not be confused with the word "for".  There are always blessings in every circumstance that we can find, even if they seem very small, but of course no one needs to be thankful for the bad things they experience, just be thankful for the good you can find in the midst of the bad and difficult.

Some part of me, the part of me that is tired and frustrated and very human, wants to scream and express to the world and anyone who will listen all the things that have not gone the way I wanted.  When I was in nursing school, one of my professor's had a sign on her door and she quoted it often, "Blessed are the flexible for they shall not be bent out of shape."  Flexibility and trust and giving up control.  That's what I'm learning right now.

It is and was great news about Andy's viral encephalitis.  Except that it is of course, viral encephalitis - leaving his body slightly weaker and his immune system not quite up to it's normal fighting level.  That coupled with travel and coming straight from West Africa...and possibly Andy's denial that something else would pop up.  All this created a perfect storm that landed Andy in the hospital on Tuesday.  He has been there and each day is labs show that he is doing better and getting stronger, but it also resulted in longer stay in the USA.  There are many blessings that we found in the middle of this trial, some are super obvious and all were a reminder that God has always been working in the background, preparing and orchestrating everything before we even knew.  One of the biggest praises was the doctor that now has been assigned to Andy is the best one we could have asked for in this specific case.

Andy up walking around early Friday morning

So, Andy is still in the hospital (in Anderson) and should be released today (Friday), if all goes well.  They are waiting for his blood counts to come up.  He is still anxious to come back, and the kids and I are excited to see him.  But, we also want him to wait until he is strong enough to make the trip.  The flight is long and the drive up to Mango when he finally lands in Togo is 8 hours with some very bumpy roads.

And, just in case you're worried - Andy's not contagious at all, but boy, doesn't he like to make life exciting!

In the meantime the kids and I are doing fine.  Nora just started 2nd grade here at the school on the hospital compound.  She has 3 kids in her class, and she's been super excited every morning to go.  This is a huge blessing, too.

We are grateful for all the blessings we can see - both now and as we look back, and we are anxiously awaiting Andy's return home!

The best of the bad...

Andy's list of possible diagnoses that would have caused all his problems were not happy ones: auto-immune disease (specifically, MS), viral encephalitis, severe reaction to anti-malaria medication causing increased intracranial pressure.  Brain tumor and brain hemorrhage were on the original list but pretty much dismissed after the MRI he had here.  None of these are good options, and after Andy's symptoms continued and occasionally he would experience something new the doctors all agreed that we had reached our diagnostic capabilities here in Togo and more needed to be done.

The waiting is always hard.  Knowing you can't change what will be, but wondering how the answers found will change you.  My heart has been searching God - wondering what He is doing to shake up our life and emotions and wondering what I am learning through all of this...  Praying that I'm am learning more to trust, even through my confusion and questions of how and what and the timing of it all.

Scan and analysis of Andy's eyes

Andy was able to see an opthamologist, and that has been the most helpful.  They were able to take spliced images of his eyes.  It showed inflammation that was likely worse several weeks ago when this began.  He was able to have an MRI done last evening and was able to get the results today - on a Saturday, can you believe it?!?  Everything looked fairly normal, which is what the doctor was expecting after the visit on Wednesday.  What does it all mean?  Well, we have to wait for the "official" diagnosis, but general consensus from the neurologist and opthamologist both seem to conclude it is viral encephalitis.  Essentially, his brain and central nervous system are inflamed because of a viral attack he experienced earlier in July.  As time goes on, his body should recover and the symptoms should continue to dissipate.  Hopefully within a few more weeks (or maybe months) things will be more normal.  (I have my suspicions about what virus caused all this, but we will wait and see if any blood samples can be done to confirm a more specific diagnosis.)

So, this is good news.  So good in fact, Andy has purchased a ticket to return to Togo, and I can hardly wait to see him again.  He leaves Indy on Friday.

I was prepared for much worse news.  Prepared to hear Andy on the other end explaining a very complicated situation, packing up the kids and having to head across the ocean to meet him.  I was ready for all of that, but God answered in a different way.  And my heart is full of gratitude.  The kind where you feel like you don't even deserve something this good and yet it was given to you anyway.

So, who knew being diagnosed with viral encephalitis was good news?  Oh, but it is.  And, God has shown once again that He is good - not because of this outcome, but because He was faithful to sustain me and give me His peace and comfort.  And, then He topped it off with viral encephalitis, and I couldn't be happier.
~amanda

The Appointment

Today was the day of the much anticipated appointment.  The one where Andy took my 3 pages of hand-written notes about all the problems and symptoms and the timeline to go along for everything that's happened since July 13th.  The day that everything seemed to go spinning downward and we've not quite found our "normal" since.

Andy made the trip back home and arrived in Anderson late Saturday night.  He seemed to do okay on the trip, but when he landed in Washington, D.C. he noticed that some of his symptoms (vision, and ability to think/process well) were once again popping up.  This time it seems his balance and ability to speak and find words hasn't been as affected, and so everything he's experiencing seems very familiar, but in a milder form.  In some ways, it seems better that he is at least having some of the problems while he is there to be evaluated.

The internet here in Mango has been particularly frustrating while he's been gone.  It suddenly just stopped completely for a few days and has gradually made an appearance again.  Video chats have been nearly impossible, but we've been able to send Facebook messages and e-mails back and forth.  It's been a throw-back to our long-distance, dating days :)

His appointment went well and both Andy and his parents felt that the doctor was thorough and complete in his assessment of the problems.  Because Andy's eye problems have returned (and because our appointment here in Togo with an opthamologist was a little sketch) he has an appointment tomorrow with an opthamologist.  He should also have an MRI this week, hopefully results will be available quickly and we can have a better idea of what our next steps should be.

In the meantime, I've been marking off the days that he's been gone, catching scorpion-like things in my bed (EUGH!), running out of fuel in the gas stove in the middle of cooking, trying to figure out how to pay the electric bill, and having fun discovering that the kids like the anticipation throughout the day of reading parts of "chapter" books together.

Whether he comes here or we go to join him there, I'm looking forward to seeing him again...and eating chocolate!
amanda

Not the beginning...

but somewhere in the middle.

Andy left today.  In true West African (at least for Togo) style, we woke up to no power and the trusty bus he was taking broke down before it even got to us.  We woke up early with the kids (because they wanted to see him off, wave good-bye like in the movies as he watches through a window).  The bus really is more reliable than other forms of transport around here.  It's the post office bus, after all.  We arrived at the Poste just a few minutes after 7AM, but at 8:45AM I let Andy know that if it still hadn't come, we would leave at 9.  It was just too hot and too much waiting for the kids.  So, at 9AM the kids dragged his one little carry-on bag and his backpack into the post office for him to wait.  We said good-bye and we left.  And, my arms longed to hug him as small little tears fell down my face - but culturally it's just not okay.  So instead I held the baby and we waved good-bye.

I watched Andy have just a little time with each of the kids as we were waiting.  The waiting was hard and messed up our ideal send-off.  But, really, I think it was good.  It was a little bit more time.  One more song to sing with dad, one more joke to tell him, one more book to read with him, and just a few more memories to make before he leaves us.  He texted me around 11:30AM and said the replacement bus just arrived and he was waiting to board...I found out a few minutes later that although he purchased a ticket, he didn't have a seat for the first several hours.  "But it's a good ride", he said.  He is the optimism to my realism, and I'm 100% certain he wasn't being sarcastic but truly believing it was a good ride.

With 45 minutes left to spare on this 1st day of September he let me know he finally made it to the hotel in Lome.  His flight leaves tomorrow night.  And, so it begins - sort of.  More like the story continues to unfold as we wait, pray, watch, and wonder what God is teaching us as we are trusting even when it doesn't make sense.

amanda