The Battle to Love

E's house, she has one 10x12 room she shares with her 2 year old

I've been meeting with E almost every week to do Bible stories.  There have been some great conversations and lots of difficult things she has revealed about her life and past.  I like her, and I like talking with her.  But, I never can decide if she just meets with me because she is lonely or because I am white or for some other unknown reason.  It feels complicated.  Today I showed up to her little house.  I could hear the sound of her 2 year old screaming when I was still quite a ways away and the closer I got the more intense the smell of fresh vomit became.  I wanted to run.  I clapped my hands to "knock" and let her know I was there.  She quickly wrapped a pagne around her, grabbed the screaming baby and announced that her daughter was sick.  I watched her take water into a pitcher and pour it over the screaming baby's head and trying to think how I could keep from having to go and do a Bible story in the small vomit filled room.  I explained that I could come back another day, but she insisted I stay.  I'm convinced she is lonely more than anything else.  I stayed.  I watched her sweep the vomit off the floor with her African broom and then pour some water over it to rinse it off.  Then, she pointed and offered me a place to sit.  I smiled and told her I wanted to start with a prayer for her child.  And yet, I wanted nothing more than to run away from what seemed so gross and so disgusting and so NOT where I wanted to be.  

Today she was more engaged in our study, had more questions, and said at the end, "today's story was very interesting."  My heart ached as I long to love her and her need for Jesus - more than my comfort.  I cried a little as I walked to the Hope Radio site to find Andy when I was done- mostly because I just thought of how Jesus loved and stood with the filthiness of humans in all our mess.  It is a battle to love, a battle to choose others over myself.  It's a battle that only God can win within me because if I've learned anything here it is that I am not strong.  I am weak, and I need my God that loves me and wraps His heart around me to help me love others, too.